Republican Debate Candidate Cocktails

Debates can be boring. Who wants to watch old people standing still answering questions asked by people who aren’t Alex Trebek? That’s why God invented alcohol.

Sadly, most of the candidates won’t be inebriated up on the stage. That doesn’t mean you can’t be. Pick your favorite candidate and indulge in the libation they’d most likely consume. You’re practically guaranteed to be the life of the party!

Note: This a comedy article. Unfunny political comments will be deleted.150916202728-18-prime-debate-0916-super-169

The Donald Trump – A Manhattan made with bottom shelf liquor. When drinking, boast that it’s “the best alcohol money can buy” and that you’re sending Mexico the bill. Serve with an umbrella made in China.

The Jeb Bush – Warm milk served with an ambien and a fluffy pillow. Cuddle up with Christie if bad dreams ensue.

The Mike Huckabee – Church wine, preferably a rosé. Served by a Kim Davis lookalike, frequently, since you won’t get to talk much.

The Ted Cruz – An old fashioned made with Canadian Club. If anyone asks, it’s pure American and the Bush family ruined the Supreme Court.

The Carly Fiorina – Vodka martini. Or whatever the men are drinking. This election isn’t about gender.

The Marco Rubio – A Miller Lite. Stay hydrated. If people question your choice of beer, tell them Scott Walker’s Super PAC paid for it and wipe the sweat off your face.

The Ben Carson – Straight gin. Don’t worry about how drunk you get as long as you appear calm while you offend everyone in the room.

The Rand Paul – Straight bourbon. No ice, water, garnish, or anything else that Trump could make fun of.

The Chris Christie – Red wine mixed with jagermeister. If anyone asks, tell them Snookie loves it.

The John Kasich – Rummage around your dad’s den for an old flask. It doesn’t matter what spirits you find, no one really cares what you’re drinking anyway.

Stock up before Wednesday. If you thought CNN’s three hour snoozefest was a bit rough, now’s your chance to make your debate party great again!


Five College Dialogues & Five More College Dialogues Are Live

My first book and its sequel have been rereleased! To celebrate, both books are .99 cents on kindle for the week. Join the fun and support the founder of A Song of Books and Whiskey


Five College Dialogues is a philosophic comedic treatise on college life told through the eyes of George Tecce, a graduate student working as a teaching assistant for an eccentric English professor. Told through Socratic dialogue, George, his students, and his mentor explore all the ins and outs of college life as they examine the state of post-millennial academia. Humorous and thought provoking, the Dialogues are the perfect resource for students, especially those with a philosophy requirement, as well as anyone who wants to relive their four years in an entertaining fashion.

“A must read for students and nostalgic alumni”

Five More College Dialogues follows George Tecce’s return to academia as he travels to the West Coast to pursue his Ph.D. The intriguing graduate student is teaching a class on his own for the first time. George continues to help students navigate the ins and outs of college life while poking fun at the often-fickle nature of the collegiate system. He mentors them in a range of diverse subjects including social dynamics, resume building, and relationships. The learning doesn’t stop in the classroom as George even makes his way to a party! Humorous and philosophical, the Dialogues are a perfect resource for students to maximize their college experience.

Early Praise:
“Ian Thomas Malone has written the next must have, “how to guide” for college survival. He breaks down complex college issues with simple rapport. I wish something like this was written when I went to college and will make sure my two daughters have it packed in their trunks when they leave for school.”
–Sasha, Amazon Reviewer

“Ian Thomas Malone has written an accessible beginners’ guide for college students – and possibly those who pay the bills – that suggests as much how to ask questions as how to get the answers. Malone shows the continued relevance of Socratic dialogue as a tool to move the reader in small questions, and the choice itself of Socratic dialogue points readers to methods and opinions that beg to be remembered. Through well-penned contemporary dialogue and lighthearted examination of common opinions, Malone offers insights that young and old students will find funny and valuable, if not always comforting. Malone’s captivating style establishes an enjoyable pace, and Malone’s unique, often ironic, exploration of college life in America, and its frightening shallows (of which there are many), enlightens as well as entertains.”
–J. Eric, Amazon Reviewer

“An excellent series of dialogues giving an accurate portrayal of the issues a typical college freshman will face.” –Maura, Amazon Reviewer

About the author:
Ian Thomas Malone, a graduate of Boston College, founded the publication The Rock at Boston College. He is a certified yoga instructor and a Meisner trained actor. Ian will be pursuing a Masters in English Literature at Claremont Graduate University starting fall 2015, where he has been awarded a writing fellowship. A lifelong resident, Ian lives in Greenwich, CT with his golden retriever Georgie.

“I wrote The Dialogues as both a resource for current students and a humorous reflection for alumni. You’ll find plenty of information out there that tells you how to survive college, but few that really tell you how to enjoy it. The Dialogues explain college in a way that no RA would think to tell you.” -Malone

Here are the amazon buy links for both books.

Five College Dialogues

Five More College Dialogues

Stephanie Meyer’s Life and Death: Twilight Reimagined Is Pathetic

I get asked about Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey more than any other books, including my own. Given that Fifty Shades started off as Twilight fan fiction (I kid you not), the two will always be linked. Unfortunately, it appears that with Life and Death: Twilight Reimagined, Stephanie Meyer is the one taking a leaf out of E.L. James’ book, who published her own reimaging, Grey, earlier this year.

Though I don’t begrudge anyone who loathes these works of “literature,” I don’t mind that they exist. Anything that gets people reading is fine by me. There’s no doubt that Twilight played a major role in the rise of young adult fiction. In a time where young people have more distractions than ever, it’s good to have books that they’re genuinely interested in reading.

The problem comes with the aftermath. Twilight was a tetralogy (a potentially confusing word to Twilight fans, also known as “Twihards”) and Fifty Shades was a trilogy. They’re finished. Done. Those series had a beginning, middle, and end. Now if you want to go and make more, fine. Hollywood does that all the time.

Was there really a need to reimagine Twilight with swapped gender roles? Granted, Meyer previously attempted a reimaging with Midnight Sun, an unpublished work that was going to retell the story through Edward’s point of view that was abandoned after the first part was leaked on the internet. It’s not like there’s absolutely nowhere to go with this story. Edward and Bella did have a kid.

Some people may point to money as the predominant reason. I’m not buying that. According to several sources, Meyers is worth $125 million. She doesn’t need the money.

Now, I don’t know her, but I’d be willing to bet that she misses the fame. Twilight is what she’s known for. Her only other book, The Host, was a hit, though the film adaptation didn’t do very well at the box office. There are apparently plans to do more Host books, but The Host isn’t Twilight and it never will

She wants people to talk about her. Mission accomplished. Problem is, the reaction isn’t really all that positive.

This is lazy. Meyer is lazy and what she is doing is bad for the industry. She is drowning out talented authors with this lazy, pathetic, crap. You could argue that everything she does is crap, and I won’t fight you, but she has a right to publish.

She has a right to do this as well, though it’s no different than if I were to not flush the toilet in my apartment after taking a dump when I had company over. I have a right to leave brown trout stewing in my own bathroom, but people aren’t going to like me if that’s the kind of respect I choose to show toward my peers.

People have asked me to do a version of Courting Mrs. McCarthy from Jackie’s point of view, which would sort of be the same thing. I get it. Even though she’s the title character, Mrs. McCarthy probably only appears in about a third of the text. I’m not going to do that. Why? It’s lazy. A sequel would continue the story. Who really wants to backtrack?

I hate that the publishing world seems to only get excited when books like Grey or Harper Lee’s highly controversial Go Set a Watchman surface. Why are we celebrating other people’s scraps when there’s so much out there? It’s sad.

Did I fuel the fire by writing this? Maybe, though I don’t imagine Stephanie Meyer would be too please to read this. If she likes it, maybe I’ll swap genders and write it again wearing lululemon leggings and a crop top.