Debates can be boring. Who wants to watch old people standing still answering questions asked by people who aren’t Alex Trebek? That’s why God invented alcohol.
Sadly, most of the candidates won’t be inebriated up on the stage. That doesn’t mean you can’t be. Pick your favorite candidate and indulge in the libation they’d most likely consume. You’re practically guaranteed to be the life of the party!
The Donald Trump – A Manhattan made with bottom shelf liquor. When drinking, boast that it’s “the best alcohol money can buy” and that you’re sending Mexico the bill. Serve with an umbrella made in China.
The Jeb Bush – Warm milk served with an ambien and a fluffy pillow. Cuddle up with Christie if bad dreams ensue.
The Mike Huckabee – Church wine, preferably a rosé. Served by a Kim Davis lookalike, frequently, since you won’t get to talk much.
The Ted Cruz – An old fashioned made with Canadian Club. If anyone asks, it’s pure American and the Bush family ruined the Supreme Court.
The Carly Fiorina – Vodka martini. Or whatever the men are drinking. This election isn’t about gender.
The Marco Rubio – A Miller Lite. Stay hydrated. If people question your choice of beer, tell them Scott Walker’s Super PAC paid for it and wipe the sweat off your face.
The Ben Carson – Straight gin. Don’t worry about how drunk you get as long as you appear calm while you offend everyone in the room.
The Rand Paul – Straight bourbon. No ice, water, garnish, or anything else that Trump could make fun of.
The Chris Christie – Red wine mixed with jagermeister. If anyone asks, tell them Snookie loves it.
The John Kasich – Rummage around your dad’s den for an old flask. It doesn’t matter what spirits you find, no one really cares what you’re drinking anyway.
Stock up before Wednesday. If you thought CNN’s three hour snoozefest was a bit rough, now’s your chance to make your debate party great again!